The confessions of a black gamer and trash movie watcher
Movie Reviews
5/9/2020
American Zombieland
1 hour and 28 minutes
My first entry into writing on my movie review page and I pick this movie. Can you really call this a horror movie? Can you just add the title horror because you have zombies in the film? What if while watching you never got scared not even once? Then again horror never meant that you had to get scared of the movie or a certain scene while watching. I'm just asking these question because I would never call this movie horror or put it the category of horror but at the same time who am I to say what goes where. I mean there is no horror in this movie unless you get scared of crappy acting and everybody doing their best to play the roles there are given like a complete moron.
The movie opens with presenting us with overweight townsfolk, 350 lbs and up running down the street with no shirt on. Next we get introduced to our Protagonist, a director that was trying to get his film in a festival but that didn't happen. His mother throws him a party to celebrate winning the festival and we meet everybody that will be in the film at this party. The next morning him and the leftovers from the party go to work painting a house and they see their first zombie. The plot kicks in at the 35 min mark. The main character talks about making a movie in a zombie apocalypse and makes this big speech and tells the cast and crew that we should kill really fat people in the zombie apocalypse. I didn't see the point of killing fat people and found that very dumb. Hell ill go as far and say it was very stupid. How are you going to Fat Shame people when everybody in the cast is basically over weight. Then too boot he never actually follow through with the plan. Throughout this movie a lot of dumb and stupid stuff happens and you don't care. Trust. I barely cared. Just know that the viewer only sees the main character and his crew film about three scenes of this socalled movie. The movie just goes off the rails in the last 20 min and they find out that the snack food turns people into zombies and getting bit by a zombie does nothing. The movie ends with the main character at the premier with his film and monologuing about how he didn't think it was going to be a success and he might make a sequel with zombies in space.
Yeah buddy ill be holding my breath for the sequel Fat Zombies in Space.
The Mandela Effect
1 hour and 18 minutes
I heard about this film from a friend awhile back but never got around to watching it. I saw that it was on Amazon Prime so I added it to the watchlist. I added two poster because they look cool and kinda makes you interested in the film. The one with the bullet hole is making me want to watch it again. The one on the right is totally different but conveys weirdness and the focus going in and out at the foreground and background are neat too.
That's enough about the poster, as for the movie. I can say that I liked it but it did have a lot of flaws. I can guess and say that was because of the subject matter. Its basically about different dimensions and a lot of what if type stuff. That's cool and all but you need a tad bit more to keep the viewer engaged in the film.
We see this family at the beach and the young daughter running around playing. She runs over to the water and then the scene changes and shows us a funeral. I don't think we ever find out what happens to her, we just know that she vanished. The husband and wife greve as the only way parents can by crying, growing apart from each other and trying to hold on to the memories of the little girl by not getting rid of the things in her room. As we watch their marriage fall apart we get montages of memories with the father and child together watching movies, playing, and doing various activities. These are well filmed scenes but they only lead to more sadness and it slows the movie down. You care but you want the plot to come around and at a runtime of only 1 hour and 18 min it takes the movie too long to put in work. Back to plot the father sees a book called Berenstein Bears but it he knows it to be called Berenstain Bears. Next he notices a picture that was taken at a different place but nobody remembers the memory the same way he does. He tries to talk to his brother and his brother know he is wrong but he keeps saying this is the way i I know it to be. So his brother thinks he is crazy and that it has always been called Berenstain Bears along with the photo and his wife tells him that the picture was taken at some place different. He starts to notice different things around his house and it gets the gears in his head to move, he then takes to the internet and finds a theory. The Mandela effect and finds a doctor thats into that kind of stuff. As he searches the internet we once again get a montage of different things the only one I could remember was they kept showing Empire strikes back Luke I am your father. Nice but not what I'm watching for.
The highlight of the film is the last 20 minutes where we get to see the protagonist trying to save the dimension that he liked the best but what grabs you and keeps you looking at the screen is the camera work and all the special effects that come with the problem of saving your dimension. I will say this it has a cool scene of two moons crashing together. It has other stuff but I don't want to give away too much but I liked the last 20 minutes better than the rest of the movie.
The Wretched
1 hour and 35 minutes
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this films first half. Its horrible and wants to do so much stuff with what it has. I know a lot of movies like to introduce us to the characters and give a background story on each of them, give them love interests and explore the problems going on in their lives but this movie did it in about 15 min. Which was good but you would think that would leave the rest of the movie open for some good witchy shit. Wrong. He does some of the most mundain shit at teeager can do. He gets a job at boating place, meets the town bully, meets the town rebel which is a girl I might add, tries to tell the neighborhood kid to not look under the porch. A bunch of boring stuff. When the movie does shift gears its pretty good but its too little too late. The effects of the witch are great and Im glad they went this way because not many movies are going with practical effect. It made the film feel creepy with this style and it made me get into the film more. I wanted to know where was the next special effect was going to be. One scene that really stuck out with was witch coming out of the deer. The tree fight is the highlight of the film with the protagonist fighting the witch under the tree that has tunnels running under it. Overall the movie felt like Disturbia but another neighborhood across town by a lake and all the parents cheating with other parents and a witch was behind it all.
5/15/2020
Lunopolis
1 hour and 38 min
I love found footage movies! So when I found out this was FF I had to watch it. I found it on Tubi. I know some people don't like watching movie on Tubi because it adds commercials, I don't really mind.
The movie starts off with news coverage about an event that took place and we kinda see the footage but never get a clear shot of the whole thing. Then the movie shifts and we have this guy talking about how he found the tapes of two individuals in the news footage and giving a brief explanation about how they taped 12 days before the event. Then we actually get into the FF aspect of the film.The FF starts with them talking about how they know a host at a radio show and he got a crazy phone call about beings from the moon but in fact they are just humans that live on the moon. He says that he has all the info and has sent it to the radio show. One piece of info was a photo that had some numbers on the back and they figure out the numbers are longtuide and latuide. They go there and find a shack and a hole in the ground and decide to investigate but its full of water. They then proceed to go in the shack and find another way in. They find a underground bunker with stuff in it but you never get to really see the bunker because of the bad camera work aka FF. As they move through the bunker they find an elevator, tunnels, file cabinets, and a device. They spend about 5 min walking around the device and talking about it till they hear a noise and steal it. The camera was rolling as they made their escape and they catch a figure jumping out the window of the cabin. They get home and decide to take the device to a professor they know and he doesn't know what it is but finds a green gem in it. While leaving the college we see one of the guys talking to a guy on a bike who looks like a mormon and he tells the rest of the group about bike guy and gives him a hand out that the guy had. He had a flyer for the Church of Lunology. I think at this point you know everything and all the actors in the film. The story is not a bad one and it tells the story of the main guys good but once we get into the meat and potatoes of the film the film starts to turn into a crawl. At one point they talk about the leader of the church for about 10 min with drawings and some bad photoshop. Its slow and things happen that you cant really see and you get impression that the guys didn't put much into the ending of the film. If you are watching hard enough you can see the ending of the film from the halfway mark. As for the look of the FF movie its good and has a low budget quality but that what makes a good FF movie, is the quality. The acting is sub-par and no really big standouts but I don't think you went in thinking that you were going to find a oscar winning film. So if you looking for a ok FF movie with a decent story you may like this one.
5/16/2020
The Dungeon Masters
1 hour and 28 min
I've had this movie on my watchlist for a while now and I never got to it but now since I'm really getting into DND I might as well give it try.
Its not bad and I liked the beginning of the film where we start at GenCon 2006. Here we get to see the main characters and learn how long they have been playing and each of them gives their own viewpoint about the game but that's it. We get nothing else about the game in the film. We meet one guy who makes campaigns with the sole purpose of killing people. A woman who like to dress up as a Drow Elf. Another guy who I think was just lost in life and trying to find a way to mix his real life with DND by writing a DND novel.
All of these people have been playing DND for 20 years or more and love to really engage in it but that's where the movie fails. It goes from the convention to their everyday lives. We never see anymore of the convention or any other people at the convention in this movie. I don't know what the point was showing their personal life because we see more of their lives and not enough of how DND goes into their lives. I think the only person who life gets affect by DND was the guy who was trying to write a DND novel. Throughout the movie we get a back story on each of them and its sad to hear their story because these people have lived very sad lives. The woman had a bad relationship with a guy and almost married him and almost had a baby. The guy who likes to kill people was in a relationship and then the woman told him about some kids she had and he just leaves. Oh yeah and he was a nudest or at least he went to a nude pageant. They showed a scene with him sitting in a chair nude. I really don't know what the point of that was. I think he was just a sociopath. I mean he literally makes a campaign just to kill people in it. That was weird because anything I play I don't want to die in it. It dont make sense and it takes the fun out of the activity. I cant see how somebody would want to be this cruel and just keep killing people over and over again. The point of DND is to bring people together and have a great time but he was like yall want to fight and go in a room solo. Yall dead. I do feel like the movie captured how these people coped with life by using DND. They just didn't do it in a good way. I just did more reading into the movie and found out that the director had a different movie in mind with the movie being about the history of DND but then shifted to focus on the lives of DND players. Yeah should've stuck with the first outline. I think the movie would have been better,
Lovely Molly
1 hour and 40 min
I remember watching a little bit of the film and never finishing it but since I had time and I was scouring tubi. I said fuck it.
I'm sorry I waited so long to finish it. Its good and very effective with the the lovely molly song. I like how he uses the camera as a story but never really focuses a lot on it in the film. The main actress does a wonderful job making you feel the dread of the house and the horror of somebody being haunted by her past. The sister of the main character is good and does a good job of supporting her main character but I wish she would've did more in the story to help her sister out. While the movie does have some stand out scenes she makes the movie. Eduardo Sanchez does a good job of never giving you too much story only the amount to get you the next scene and at the same time keep you wanting more. The movie does get pretty creepy and it had me hooked till the end. I think the first time I went in I was thinking it was a FF movie and kinda hated it, so Im think that was the reason I didn't finish it but on the second time around I enjoyed the regular movie more than the FF parts. If you looking for a nice, creepy, slow burn horror movie check this out.
Exhibit X
1 hour and 31 min
This has to be the worst FF movie I have ever seen. This movie does some of the stupidest shit I have ever seen in a FF movie.
This shit is about three bros. Let give them names as they are in the movie. Well starters douchebag bro is just starting a new job working for some fake ass vodka company and he decides to have a party at this haunted house. He brings along weed head bro who looks like he was smoking weed before every scene he filmed. Then they decide to get film nerd bro to film. All this sounds good when thinking about a FF movie but I aint finish with describing the movie. Hell I got duped into thinking this movie would be at least something ok to watch. They pick this haunted house and everyone knows it haunted but film bro is the only one who has thoughts about doing it but hen they throw money his way he is quick to jump in. Film bro does research into the house and gets scared the more he digs into stuff about the house.
Haunted party house day
The three bros enter the house and douchebag bro is doing douchebag things by scaring film bro and its getting annoying at this point much like this movie and the runtime that came with it. As they enter the house douchebag tells them that the company sent a lady to oversee the party, they all thinks she hot and fall head over heels in love with her. The guest start to enter and we meet this one couple where the dude has this elvis thing going on that was the only funny and good part of the movie.
Back to the bad things about the damn movie. Weed bro and hot girl are the kitchen and start to bruise each other and then they head up to the bed room to get it on. Look Im up for side quests that has nothing to do with the movie but when the side quest is nothing but sex and talking about how you love somebody and you fell in love over facebook and you flew all the way out here from NY and dont really work for the company for 20 fucking min. ITS FUCKING STUPID!!! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PLOT AND YOU WASTED 20 MIN OF THE MOVIE TIME AND MY TIME!!!!! I got that out and boy did it feel good. Weed bro tells her that is crazy and she gets mad, he say that this was just a one night stand and they talk some more then leave the room with nothing lost or gained. At this point the camera shifts in and out of the party with interviews and for some reason the sound was cutting out, at first I thought it was the haunted house but when it happen again I knew it was the just fucking bad audio and only added to the fact that this movie was bad. Anyway back to the fucking side quest. Hot chick pulls weed bro to the side and tell him that we need to talk. They go into the room and she kills him.Ok I think I've said enough about this shitty ass movie nothing scary happens in this movie and it is a waste of time. Everything I just told you about this movie was about an hour and you still have 30 min left. its get worse as it goes. Trust me the movie ends with hot chick banging her pillow case and obsessing over weed head bro. TRUST ME THIS SHIT IS AS WEAK AS IT COMES IN FF MOVIES.
Dark Encounter
1 hour and 37 min
I really enjoyed this movie and I went in thinking it was going to be Dark Light. A movie I had seen a couple weeks back.
The movie takes place in the 80s and I don't know why they used this time as the movie could have been set in present time and would not have made any difference. Alice Lowe is in it. She is not starring in it but she there. Its almost like she was doing a favor to the director or something. The movie starts with showing the disappearance of a little girl. They film this in a one shot which was pretty effective. Then we shift to a year later with the family coming back from a memorial to the little girl. At the house we have the parents, the other child, two brothers of the father, the town sheriff and his wife. Nobody in this family is happy over the disappearance and the family is having problems. Things happens and the next thing you know the dad sees a light outside and goes to investigate and the whole family decides to join. Well everybody except the mom and the sheriff wife. They get to where the lights were coming from and the uncle gets scooped up by the aliens. While they were the running from the aliens the sheriff is frozen and just staring into nowhere. They shake him out of it and hes just lost the rest of the film. They get back to the house and one by one the disappear. In the end the movie the does have a point its not what you think it is because I couldn't get it but maybe you can. The movie is a slow burn with the concept of aliens being the same. They come an snatch you up for some weird reason. The way the movie was shot and the acting made it better. This movie felt like a better version of await further instructions. That movie was never able to get its feel off the ground to do anything good. This movie keeps it simple and straight tells you whats out there and keeps you glued to see how the aliens are coming at them next and leaves you wondering how they are going to stop them. All in all its a good little flick about alien abduction with other stuff in there.
5/19/2020
Silent Night
Deadly Night
Part 2
1 hour and 28 min
First off I want to say how much I hate slasher movies. I hate the Friday the 13th movies. Them hoes are just stupid and gets worse as they go. The first one is a joke and the second one is ok but I would never own them. This movie make me think twice about the slasher genre and I may have to dig further to see if I can find more good ones. Hey Im open minded. This movie screams slasher and does a good job. I can say that if I seen this big ass dude walking down the street, I would turn around. I liked the story being told in flashbacks of how he turns into a killer and how the story wraps up in the end. All the kills in this movie are pretty good and I was never bored. This being my first attempt at watching the Silent Night series. I'm glad I started at the sequel cause it was good but at the same time i'm scared because I don't want to go back to the original. I know it wont be as good as this one. As many times I have been to the Alamo and seen the PSA before the movie with the garbage day bump and the one where he kills the guy in the theater I've never seen the movie till now. This movie tell the story of how a person is product of their environment. Its a good time and even better horror movie.
5/20/2020
Terror at Blood Fart Lake
1 hour and 16 min
Ok hear me out before you close the page out. Yes this movie is trash, hell its super trash, its fucking space garbage but its actually funny as fuck. I did say I was looking for other slasher movies and its trash horror so its right up my ally. I was not looking for a slasher when I found this, I was just looking for something to watch late at night trying to go to sleep. I had to turn this off because I was laughing too much. Trust the first 10 min you will be rolling. Its weird, crude, and very immature comedy/ What did you think you were looking at the greatest slasher movie ever made?? I mean the title is Terror at Blood Fart lake?!?! The acting in the movie is bad and its expected but the chick that was trying to be an actress in the film had me dying. She had this accent and every time she came on screen she had a weird story about having sex with other actors and as well as all of her stories were weird. At about 20 min in we get a scene where the goth chick meets the camp site owner and they share a story about liking bands with goth woman leading them. He name checks her when she says evanescence. He says Nightshade, I think. I'm not going back to find out the actual name. The kills in the movie ain't great but again its low budget, I didn't expect much. Now one kill that was great was the end kill. I want to tell you but I don't want to spoil it but fuck it. You ain't going to watch it anyway. In order to kill the bad guy his sister had to push him up her ass and then shit him back out. Yup you read that right. Its pretty good and you need to check that out if you don't want to watch the want to watch the movie just watch that sequence. Yeah a lot of shit happens in the middle. Its funny, weird and a ok time Ill give the movie a pass because of the comedy and the left field story.
5/21/2020
Haunted Trailer
1 hour and 30 min
Nah this aint the one.
This shit is stupid, dumb, too fucking long and overall just a very nasty movie.
Miss this shit.
5/21/2020
Area 51 confidential
1 hour and 35 min
In my hunt to find the best FF movie on the planet. I found myself watching this piece of shit. I have this thing about FF movies. I have to watch them and if you find one good there is always ten bad ones out there. A good FF movie is hard to come by. This is one of the worst. Its just bad so bad that it almost made me turn it off but I tried to keep the faith and stay with it but man did it take me three attempts. Again the damn movie is 90 min which is fucking stupid. Then nothing happens in the whole movie. I mean nothing! They meet this stoner kid that talks about aliens being real. Then they head out to meet this dude. They get kidnapped or taken which ever word you want to use for this trash shit! They wake up in the desert and just walk around the movie talking about how they are lost but in one scene they see power lines. Bitches just follow the power lines!!!!! We never see a fucking alien and they argue for no fucking reason, people get snached up for I guess because the aliens did not like them. I would have snatched everybody that had something to do with this film just as long as they dont make another one or anything else. I don't fucking know. It tried to have a story about a chick talking to somebody through the camera but that never came around. All we see is mfers just walking around the desert talking. Move around with this shit!
Nah this ain't the one!!
5/21/2020
Possessor
1 hour and 42 min
Don't have a lot to say about this film except that its freaky good. This movie was made by Brandon Cronenberg the son of David Cronenberg. That's not going to matter much to some people but the cover alone will pull people in. I know it did for me. I went in knowing nothing about this movie, so I read the synopsis and went to watch. Its good like I said but does have some parts where the movie gets a little slow at the same time it does have some freaky part that really grab you. The lead actress riseborough does a good job of introducing us to this world of spy vs spy and this weird body/mind swapping technology. She also does a good job as a parent trying to do right for her kid at the same time find a place in this world. If you have seen existenz you may be ready for this movie. Its got that spy feel to it and at parts you start to think you may be watching a bourne movie but then Jennifer Jason Leigh hits and brings you down. That's not a bad thing and it gives the movie boredom a little break with some story. Now just because I said the movie is boring a bunch of time does not mean it is boring, its just slow and has a lot to tell. The first ten min you get the feel of the movie by the opening sequence and you like this world that could be a few years around the corner. Then the movie slows down and give you story about the world you are in. The great Sean Bean is in this movie only to do what you already know he does best and that's a real shame but hey at least you get him for a little while. The mind fight sequence and the end sequence was the highlight of the movie giving us the most action. I like this movie enough to say I will be looking at some of Brandon's other movies to see how he got to this point.
5/28/2020
Bloodsucking Bastards
1 hour and 24 min
I have a ton of killer in the office movies on my watchlist but no vampire office killer movies, so I took a chance and checked it out. Was not disappointed. The movie starts off with a kickass song and gets you ready to go. The first person we see is Tim which is weird because its like the director knew he was the best part. Fran Kranz is in this one but he just stars in this film and holds it together. The stars of the film are Tim and Frank. Tim is his best friend and they work together with Krans being his boss and Frank as the night watchman. Tim the whole way though makes jokes that are actually funny and hates his job but is willing to stay because he gets away with a lot of stuff because of Kranz.You maybe watching this movie for Kranz but don't do that Tim is great. He makes you stay watching the movie. Frank is good as the kick ass watchman that somehow knows how to slay vampires that was weird but Ill take it. One other aspect that I forgot to mention was that Pedro Pascal is in this film. Now I read that and didn't really care. Hell I thought he was mexican. Then I found out he was born in chile. I mean I was looking at him and was like who the hell is playing the boss dude. He really pulled off the asshole boss. Damn did I fuck up. Hes great at being the asshole boss that just wants to work you to death and bang every hot girl he sees. He nails every line in this movie. Thats looks he gives in the film makes me never want to get a sales job again. I kept going is this movie real life.
5/29/2020
Cronos
1 hour and 34 min
As I was searching on HBOMax to find something to watch I found this gem. So I gave it a shot. Its hot as balls outside and you cant really take a walk with all this damn heat. So I put this on after work and started to watch it but fell asleep and woke up with the Perlman chasing someone. It was the end of the movie. I was intrigued with what I saw. So I picked up where I left off and finished it. I'm not a big fan of foreign movies but I can handle them. It was short and has some good effects. You can always tell you are watching a del toro movie by that. The scene with him sticking his hand in his stomach, the creature inside the beetle. The story ain't much. I was mostly impressed by what the beetle was turning the guy into. At first I thought it was a zombie but I guess I was not really paying too much attention but I think I was paying too much attention. Then it hit me, its a vampire. This makes the second vampire movie in two days, both of them being good. The one other part that stood out with me was the mortician. Why was he brought in the film just to be funny and then he leaves? I would love to see that movie. I kept think he was going to be getting that dude ready and he was going to wake up. That would've been a scene. I could go with Del Toro doing that movie. The ending was lackluster and nothing really special happened. I'm still trying to figure out why Perlman didn't just take the money and run. Overall the movie is a good starting point for Del Toro. I have seen all of his movies except The Shape of Water but I'm in no rush to watch it. Ive heard good things but its just not on the radar yet.
5/30/2020
Incarnate
1 hour and 31 min
I've been having this movie on the radar for awhile and i'm finally watching it now. The trailer had rock music and looked like matrix but with eckhard doing battle with demons. You cant pass that up.
I stated this movie with no hope cause I didn't know where it was going. I was hoping it would be good. It ain't going to change the demon possessing world but it don't hurt it either. We open with a single parent with a child walking down the street with eerie music. As they are walking they see a homeless woman digging through the trash and it looks at him. That night the homeless girl ends up in his house and attacks him. Its not scary but gives you a good feeling and set the pace. I liked it so far. Then we go to Eckard character at a night club looking for a guy and we find out that he was possessed. He helps him and we move on and to the main part of the story of Eckhard trying to find a demon called maggie. Maggie killed is wife and kid in a car crash. Now the story get a little weird with a possessed person driving a car to kill somebody. I overlooked that and just went along with it. At this point we at the half way mark and the story kinda runs on autopilot but its still not bad or boring. Long story short he dives into the boy twice gets help from the boys father, gets a vial from his friend, we find out about his power, get the back story on how maggie found him, helps the boy out and the movie goes off with a cliffhanger. Trust, I didn't spoil the ending.
As I was watching the movie the only thing that keeps this movie together is Eckhart and without him the movie falls flat and turns into another trash horror movie. Funny thing is I was watching thinking how cool it might be if Eckhard was batman. I think he could do it. He has the right voice, the weird chin and the height. I mean if Affleck can do it why not him. #makeAflleckbatman . Also I thought about how this movie gave me Doctor sleep vibes. Its nowhere as good as Sleep but it does have some of the same things in it. Yeah, that's a reach but I'm willing to say it. In the end its a time pleaser and wont hurt you watch it.
5/30/2020
Painkillers
1 hour and 45 min
I cant tell you why I watched this movie this morning at about 9am. I don't know it might have been the fact that I woke up from a hangover that was fucking killing me. This movie was nothing special. I think the big reason was the guy from dollhouse was in it and he has a good face for action movies. Too bad this one ain't going to do it for him. A crack team goes into some foreign country to get a power source and wakes up in a strange hospital. Trust. The story don't get any better than that. They walk around lost and learn secrets about themselves and what happened in the cave. The parts where they were in the hospital were ok and I liked them a lot but could have use a more detailed story. Maybe a identity type storyline. There are parts where we get told about teams members and see them in action then we hear nothing from them. I could've sworn one or two dudes popped up at the battle, left and came back in the cave. What the hell?!?! The action sequence before the cave was horrible. They had real guns and looked professional but their handling of the guns and actions with the guns were bad and pointless. You could tell that whole sequence was fake. The cave itself was done nicely but again nothing special. I don't think they used cgi for these scenes but the power source was fake. Back in the hospital they get information and find out that something is going on behind the scenes and try to make an exit. Yeah same old story, nothing new. I wouldn't tell you to watch it. I'm sure you could find something better to watch.