I'm thinking about ending things.

I'm thinking about ending things....... I say that but I don't know what I really mean. I'm thinking this through even as I write this. The one thing I do know is that I am tired. I'm tired of fighting for things that are not there. I'm tired of doing things that don't matter. I'm tired of trying to be a person hiding behind a mask. I'm tired of trying to be the best version that I can be. I'm tired of struggling with things I cannot control. I'm tired of trying to be a son, a brother, a friend. I'm tired of trying to go back to school and finish something that seems so far away. I tired of looking and not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck. I'm tired of being old and hurting every time I move my body wrong. I'm tired of having heartburn. I'm tired of going to bed late and having to pay for it the next day. I'm tired of seeing people enjoy life. I'm sitting here looking at life go by. I'm tired of working and having to know that in the end I'm going to have to work till I die. I'm tired of paying a cable bill and I don't even watch cable. I'm tired of eating the same old food over and over again, every day. I'm tired of being out of shape. I'm tired of smoking cigarettes and walking a flight of stairs and thinking you are about to pass out. I'm tired of drinking to kill the emotions that come to surface. I'm tired of my knees hurting every time I move. The list can go on and on. Maybe I'm just bitching about the things I can control but at some point, it has to get better right?? There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel, right? I try to look at end and say everything will get better and be better but at this point I do really feel too good about it. I tell people to keep your head up when something is wrong or say stay positive because in the end it does get better but if you yourself don't believe it then does it really matter? Father's Day is coming up its going to be really hard to get through that day. I'm not planning anything but to stay in my room and maybe game or just cry. I always hate that day and I think I can speak for every person that does not have a father that that day sucks and just wish it can go away but the same can be said for Mother's Day. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel when I lose both parents. I'm going to stay positive as much as I can and will continue to try to be a positive person as much as I can. I thought about what I typed and decided it sound like a suicide note but its not. Im just ready to end things and start anew. I'm ready for a new beginning.