Friends pt 3

This part is very hard for me as it impacts me much harder that any of the other friendships that I have wrote about. The weird thing is its the one friendship that I have been in for the shortest amount of time and it effects me the most. I know that when I started this blog about friends I listed three types of friends. I have told you stories about each of the types, this is the last type. Before I started writing I had a lot of stuff to think about. I had to think about my actions, my mental health, his mental health, his actions, how I was going to write it, the consequences of writing this and was I really ready for that. I can finally say that I am ready to talk about it and I'm ready to accept any outcome that may happen. This may be a little long and it may have info that may be considered too much so right now Ill apologise to the reader right now but then again this is my blog so I don't care what you think. I was thinking of the best way to write about this and the best way I came up with was to do it in years, leading up to present time. Ok so set the way back machine to three years ago on a friday night, actual date unknown but that's good enough.

YEAR ONE

I can remember it like it was yesterday, is it bad that you can remember that far back and think about how it could have went differently? I look back at that day almost everyday and that's bad. I look at that day and go I should have seen the signs and stopped when I had a chance but I kept pursuing it. I thought that maybe it would lead to something better. From the moment I met you I thought that you were somebody that needed a friend but I soon discovered that that was not true. I needed a friend and I thought I found that in you and in the beginning it felt that way. We did a lot of stuff together. Well a lot of stuff being going to the movies a lot, to me that was something and I liked it. We started texting and it was everyday. I look back at those days now and while they were good times, I feel that I was taking too much of your time. It was little time that you gave me and I took that as an opportunity to talk your ear off and get to know everything about you. It worked for a little while but it was too much and I now realise that at that point I had tunnel vision and it was locked on you. There was nothing that was going to get in my way of getting to you. I didn't care about anybody else or anything, It was just you. We were already going to the alamo so I asked to be seat buddies. You agreed and I thought I had gained a little more time with you. I can remember us talking and joking about a contract. I took it to the next level. While it started off as a joke and it was funny. You didn't appreciate it. You told me that you didn't need a contract to know that I was your friend and you had a lot of stuff going on and it was hard to text, call and hang out. We talked about it and to me that was enough to make me shut up for a while. This was another time where I should've known that there was no place for me and that I couldn't use you for a friend but I ran with it and we moved on all the while I was still having tunnel vision on you. Fast forward to around November where I was feeling down and needed somebody to talk to. I did something that I cant take back and I am ashamed of it and I can never take it back no matter how many times I can say i'm sorry It wont erase it from my mind or yours. When I did what I did you blocked me on Facebook, twitter and your phone. I beg you to not do this and I felt like shit forever after. I knew I had destroyed the trust i had made. I knew that by me trying to get close to you and make you something that you would never be to me I was losing you at the same time. These things made you put up a barrier that said I don't need him. I don't know if that's right about the way you felt but that is right about the way I felt and how I thought you felt about the situation. I can remember inviting you to come to my party and you said no. I talked to a friend of mine about the situation and she told me that if the person dont feel the same way that you feel then you should just leave it alone. I listened and cried and said that it was right but I didn't want it to end. I know now I should've done that a year ago and been better. The year went ok with us being what we called friend doing our same old thing going to the movies and every now and then we would meet up before GS and have a beer, again few and far inbetween. This one time i invited you to come watch Star Wars at Jones Hall. Im my mind i figured we were Han and Chewbacca and thought it would've been a good night.. You showed up late and left at intermission. You said you were not feeling well. If that was the case then why did you even come. I could've saved the money or I could have invited someone else. I thought this was something that we could have made a fun day but it was something that you didn't want to do. I can remember at the end of the year I asked about getting together to hang out on new years eve. We talked about it and I texted you about it but nothing. I took it for what it was. If you didn't want to do anything, you could've at least told me that you didn't want to do anything but nothing. This was another time where I should've gotten the message but I still tried.

YEAR TWO

We continued along doing the same thing that we normally did which as going to the movies together. In this year something happened in your life that made you not come to the movies so much, so this was where I had to learn that I was not there for you. My tunnel vision was slowly disappearing. I mean you hardly texted and I only saw you at the movies sometimes. So I was feeling ok. I was not getting that fix and I was starting to get a grip. Many different times I tried to do stuff with you but in the end it was always the same result of me not getting anywhere. Then you had a event in your life that I think that made you really think. I thought I could've been there to support you through that but again I was wrong. That really hurt me and made me know that I was not the one you needed to talk to if ever something was wrong. I thought I could be a replacement for that person and maybe just maybe you could've made up for lost time. That was very selfish of me to think that. I had no reason to make you believe that. I mean I have only known for you for two years. I had nothing to offer you. I kept asking myself why could I not be there? What was the problem with me? In the end I would always come to my senses and realize that he was going though something and it was not my place to put an extra burden on him. I needed to understand that it was not a place for me there and that if he ever needed me I was here. Again, this was a time where I was trying to be a friend but you didnt need a friend. I was trying too hard. Thanksgiving came around and we hadn't really talked and then we talked about having Thanksgiving dinner. I guess I thought a little too much about this and was thinking that this might be a good day. Wrong. I find out about it an hour late and have to change plans and on top of that he invited other people. The problem was not that you invited other people. It was the fact that you didnt text me any info about it. I texted you that same day but I got nothing. I mean you could've told me the time at the same time you invited the other people but that was just wishful thinking on my part. I was mad. I had to change plans and drive light-speed to get there and see that other people took priority over me. How hard was it to send a text to tell me a time?? Was it going to take that much time away from your busy life?

YEAR THREE

Its the present year and same old same old. Now we are to the point where we don't talk at all. Every year the alamo has a Hullabaloo and a Dismember the Alamo. We have not missed one. Everytime try at each of these events to grab a seat with you and It always ends the same way, me having to double buy and change seats. In the end I always manage to grab a seat next to you but I have to move a damn mountain to do it. Just recently I went out of town and we had no contact for about a month. I finally thought that maybe with everything going on I could finally find a way to get out. You texted and I didnt say a word. A week went by and I texted. Then we talked and said somethings things that made a lot of sense. It gave me a little hope of maybe something better but then I remember that I tried so hard in the past to get you to do anything. I got asked by another friend had I spoke to you and then got asked have you finally gotten over him. I said no. Then she asked why? I said because nobody should go through life without a friend. She told me that you need to realize that you dont need anybody that doesn't need you. I read this and it hurt me because it was the truth. Was I doing too much to try to make you into something that you would never be for me?? Was I trying to be friends with a person that had too many roadblocks in the way to even be a friend? I always felt like I saw you on a hill and as I tried to get there you'd be telling me to come but when I got up to the top. You were three hills over. I always knew I was fighting a battle that was going nowhere. I just had hope that one day it could be different. I would sit in my truck and think about each conversation and how it couldve went differently and make you want to spend time with me. I would ask you all the time about doing something and it would always end the same, with me looking like a dog with his tongue sticking out begging for water. It was slowly chipping away at me. The times I did get i tried to make the best because I never knew when they were going to come around again.

Several times throughout these years we would talk about how I wanted more and you always said the same. I'm too busy or have something else planned or you just didn't want to give me the time. I told you that was ok and then I told you that you aren't a bad friend, you are just bad at being a friend. I told you this and I think you took it kinda hard because you told me that you were sorry. Again another way to shut me up and not deal with me.

In the beginning I was clingy and it was bad. I did bad things and regret them but I did them all in name of friendship. I always wanted us to be Frodo and Sam at the same time I knew that was a pipedream. I always had hopes that one day you would call or text me about going to the beach, coming over for dinner maybe a movie, maybe even going bowling or something but I know that will never be the case I told you that one day you were going to wake up and not have me as a friend. I feel like that time has come. I can't keep trying to be friends and it ends nowhere. I can't keep fighting for you to accept me and you don't care because everything is in you way. I am breaking down emotionally and physically. It hurts. I hear people say you should fight for what you want and i felt that and tried it but it didn't work and won't work. This is me letting go. I'm a coward for not being able to tell you to your face but I know how that will go. Me talking and crying about the situation and then not speaking what is really on my mind. If you do find time to ever read this. When you read this i don't want you to get frustrated or mad with me. It you wanna talk about it call me and we can talk about it. Again I'm being selfish but i don't want a text as i think this is bigger than a text. You know I'm always here. I don't want you to be mad. I never wanted to make you mad. I know I made this friendship toxic and nothing I did was right. I know the last time we talked I said you were my best friend. I asked you about it. You said the same. I finally realized that that was selfish of me to ask you that. I'm sorry for that. I keep racking my brain trying to figure out where I lost you but then I realize that you were never there at all.

I'm not trying to write you as a bad guy here. If anything I'm in the wrong. I'm the bad guy. I've done nothing but bad things. You were never the bad person for doing whats right in your life. I was wrong for choosing you to be in my life, for trying to make you into something that you will never be.